Faith, Hope and Disappointment

Well I guess it's time to make an appointment with a fertility specialist. In about a month, Andy and I will FINALLY be covered with quality health insurance again. I wonder how long it takes to get in with a doctor just to get checked out and what insurance covers... I do not like doctors but am hoping for the best.

I spent the day working at a children's consignment sale, watching new moms and women with enormous pregnant bellies and wishing for my turn to finally be here. I would walk through fire to be a mom... I guess I pretty much already am.

One thing that I've been dealing with is the fact that so many of my friends that have not dealt with infertility or miscarriages truly do not understand the monthly pain of wishing for a child. Sometimes, there are moments that those I love hurt me with their misunderstanding of the grief and sometimes depression that miscarriage and infertility bring... but I have to remember that they just really have no clue what it's like. There is such a fine line between faith and hope and disappointment and discouragement. It is hard to know how to continue to have faith when each month your hopes are dashed.

I know that the Lord has used these past two years (this month makes an official two years since we started "trying" for a child) to make me more into the woman that He wants me to be. I know I still have some rough edges that He needs to work out... but I am tired and while I am still carrying on, I am longing for this trial to end.

Lord, help me to be strong and do what is right as I continue to wait on You.

Have I found my calling?

So I have been praying (off and on for a few years actually) for God to reveal my calling. I know that I am called to be Andy's wife. I know that I am called to be a mother. But beyond that, I have not known what God's path is for me.
I know I love to sing. I know I love children. I know I love my family and my pugs.
But in the past two years, through all the pain and suffering of infertility and miscarriages, I have realized something... I love children and pregnant women. Even though it hurts, I love to be around pregnant girls. I love to take care of them and help them prepare for their babies. I love to share the knowledge obtained through years of research I have done as I've waited for my turn...
So I've just taken a big step. I just registered for a birth doula class. In case you don't know, a doula is basically a birth coach... someone who helps you prepare for birth, supports you through birth and the first few hours with your newborn (assisting with breastfeeding). My classes are in July. Then I will offer free doula services until I get my certification (then I can charge $$).
I am SO excited! I feel like I just changed my life.
Andy has been SO supportive. I am so glad to be his wife.

Random thoughts...

I just wanted to say that I am so thankful for my mother-in-law. We had lunch with her on Sunday and before we left, she gave me a baby blanket that she had made for me... in faith... for our child. It was a precious moment. I held it on my lap the whole ride home... just thinking about the faith and hope for a child.

A few weeks ago, I finally got to meet my new niece Leah Blakely Burney... isn't she precious? (I've just now put the pictures onto my computer...)

And I got another special picture this weekend... Andy playing legos with our 7 year old nephew Daaron... I just thought it was so cute. I'm not sure who was having more fun... Andy or Daaron. *smile*

To dance in the rain...

I was on my way to work this morning, looked out before I left to see a cloudy morning, grabbed my purse and decided against my rain boots... walked out the door and it was POURING RAIN.
My umbrella was in the car and our home is about 50 yards from where we park on the street. I was pretty much soaked by the time I made it to the car. It poured ALL morning and by lunch time, I was seriously considering dancing in the rain. Why not? But if I did, I'd want a picture of it and there was no one else around. I mean, who would be crazy enough to dance in the rain with me? (Besides probably Kendalyn.... heehee).

Back to square one

Well, my mom's blood tests came back clear. Which means that there is nothing in her blood that would be hereditary that might cause miscarriages.
So I guess we are back to square one. I am hopeful, though. Maybe that means that our infertility problems were just another step in God's plan for our lives and that our miracle is just around the corner.
If the Lord does not bless us within the next few months, Andy and I will probably go in for some testing. Maybe the Lord will work through a doctor. I don't know. I know that God is able to do all things and that He can do miracles, but I also know that God sometimes works His blessings through doctors. I know one such miracle... his name is Jude. And he is a precious little one that his mommy and daddy waited for over four years for... until they were led to a good doctor that was able to find a simple hormonal problem that could be fixed easily.
I will not give up hope.