March 15th

Today Andy and I have been together for seven years. I love my husband. He is kind and patient, hard working and loving, goofy and creative, talented and humble, handsome and caring... he loves me. He loves God. He loves our pugs. What more could I ask for?

Also, today is Daisy Lou's (our puglet) birthday. She is three years old. My gift to her... a long nap with me. She loved it. *smile* She is my snuggle-pug. Andy made her popcorn (she shared with Quigley).

To remember what really matters

Today my father has had to make a tough decision about his job. It is a sad day. He has not been able to work due to his health. We have been praying for his healing, hoping for miracles and waiting on the Lord. We know that the Lord is still in control and that He has a plan. Some days, we just wish we knew what it was. My mom has really been so strong throughout this entire process but I know that she is so tired and ready for relief.

Yesterday, a wonderful woman gave her testimony at church. She has had multiple sclerosis for fifteen years and has just been diagnosed with fibromyalgia. She can no longer walk. Her testimony was simple. The Lord chose this place for her so she has submitted to His plan and has chosen to praise him through the pain. I cried and went up to her and thanked her after service. I needed to hear that.

I guess I just need to remember that if the Lord does nothing else for me, what He did on the cross should be more than enough for me to live my life joyfully daily for Him.

Faith, Hope and Disappointment

Well I guess it's time to make an appointment with a fertility specialist. In about a month, Andy and I will FINALLY be covered with quality health insurance again. I wonder how long it takes to get in with a doctor just to get checked out and what insurance covers... I do not like doctors but am hoping for the best.

I spent the day working at a children's consignment sale, watching new moms and women with enormous pregnant bellies and wishing for my turn to finally be here. I would walk through fire to be a mom... I guess I pretty much already am.

One thing that I've been dealing with is the fact that so many of my friends that have not dealt with infertility or miscarriages truly do not understand the monthly pain of wishing for a child. Sometimes, there are moments that those I love hurt me with their misunderstanding of the grief and sometimes depression that miscarriage and infertility bring... but I have to remember that they just really have no clue what it's like. There is such a fine line between faith and hope and disappointment and discouragement. It is hard to know how to continue to have faith when each month your hopes are dashed.

I know that the Lord has used these past two years (this month makes an official two years since we started "trying" for a child) to make me more into the woman that He wants me to be. I know I still have some rough edges that He needs to work out... but I am tired and while I am still carrying on, I am longing for this trial to end.

Lord, help me to be strong and do what is right as I continue to wait on You.

Have I found my calling?

So I have been praying (off and on for a few years actually) for God to reveal my calling. I know that I am called to be Andy's wife. I know that I am called to be a mother. But beyond that, I have not known what God's path is for me.
I know I love to sing. I know I love children. I know I love my family and my pugs.
But in the past two years, through all the pain and suffering of infertility and miscarriages, I have realized something... I love children and pregnant women. Even though it hurts, I love to be around pregnant girls. I love to take care of them and help them prepare for their babies. I love to share the knowledge obtained through years of research I have done as I've waited for my turn...
So I've just taken a big step. I just registered for a birth doula class. In case you don't know, a doula is basically a birth coach... someone who helps you prepare for birth, supports you through birth and the first few hours with your newborn (assisting with breastfeeding). My classes are in July. Then I will offer free doula services until I get my certification (then I can charge $$).
I am SO excited! I feel like I just changed my life.
Andy has been SO supportive. I am so glad to be his wife.