Faith, Hope and Disappointment

Well I guess it's time to make an appointment with a fertility specialist. In about a month, Andy and I will FINALLY be covered with quality health insurance again. I wonder how long it takes to get in with a doctor just to get checked out and what insurance covers... I do not like doctors but am hoping for the best.

I spent the day working at a children's consignment sale, watching new moms and women with enormous pregnant bellies and wishing for my turn to finally be here. I would walk through fire to be a mom... I guess I pretty much already am.

One thing that I've been dealing with is the fact that so many of my friends that have not dealt with infertility or miscarriages truly do not understand the monthly pain of wishing for a child. Sometimes, there are moments that those I love hurt me with their misunderstanding of the grief and sometimes depression that miscarriage and infertility bring... but I have to remember that they just really have no clue what it's like. There is such a fine line between faith and hope and disappointment and discouragement. It is hard to know how to continue to have faith when each month your hopes are dashed.

I know that the Lord has used these past two years (this month makes an official two years since we started "trying" for a child) to make me more into the woman that He wants me to be. I know I still have some rough edges that He needs to work out... but I am tired and while I am still carrying on, I am longing for this trial to end.

Lord, help me to be strong and do what is right as I continue to wait on You.