Doctors...

Yes. I'm still alive.

I have been gluten free for 2 months now. Have not seen a significant difference in me... lost a FEW pounds... feel a BIT better... but is if worth it not to have bread and pasta?

Went to an OB/GYN today. He is a BLESSING. A Godly man who gave me HOPE and prayed with Andy and I before we left his office. Thank God for him. He made me feel like I'm not "broken". It was a great thing.

There was a HUGE storm last night. We were without power for 7 hours. The pugs were very nervous. Poor things. But joy cometh in the morning! (And so did the electricity... *smile*)

Mother's Day 2011

So Mother's Day is hard.

The Lord got me through. I concentrated on the mothers that I love...

I still have hope.

My mom and sister both gave me something special for Mother's day... I have a wonderful family. (And you thought YOUR family was cool...)

Anyways... went to my first birthing class tonight... in prep for my Birth Doula training in July... LOVED it. I really feel like the Lord has led me to this juncture... I'm excited to see what He has next.

Finally an answer

We finally got a diagnosis for Dad (now that he is almost 100% better). He had a encephalitis (sp?) of his brain contracted from a Yellow Fever vaccine and a parasite in his body. Wow. (You have to have a yellow fever vaccine if you do any missions work, especially in Africa. You do NOT want to have Yellow Fever.)
All I know is this. The Lord has healed him. We are simply relieved to finally have a "why". And we are just blessed and joyful to have "Dad" back.

An update

So I haven't posted in a few weeks. Here is a quick update on my life:

*Have decided to attempt a Gluten-Free diet. In the past few weeks, there have been several people that have approached me with "gluten-free" lifestyles or asking me if I have tried it yet. Those with a gluten intollerance are prone to infertility and recurrent miscarriage. Honestly, I wonder if the Lord has been trying to get my attention. There are several other "symptoms" that I have and the only way to test for it is to go gluten free for a few months. So bye bye bread and pasta for a while. We will see what happens. (We think my dad and possibly my sister have it, too... and since gluten intollerance is hereditary, that makes sense.)

*My dad is doing EXCELLENT. Almost fully restored. What a beautiful answer to prayer and blessing in our lives! We are so grateful to the Lord. Dad had to step down from his position in the ministry, and the day that he officially quit, he began to get better. Wonder what God is doing? Mom and Dad are wondering what the Lord has next for them, as they are both now unemployed... so who knows where their money will come from... but God has yet to fail them, so I guess there is no reason to worry.

*Andy and I have gotten back into the Word of God... doing daily devotions like we should have long ago but were too lazy to do so. The Lord has blessed our small efforts so greatly in the past month... we take a step towards Him and he takes 100 steps towards us. I have seen such a change in my husband... and there is much peace in my home. The cloud of depression has lifted. I am blessed. We are simply waiting on the Lord to direct us as to what He has for us.

*The pugs are the same. They never seem to change. I love that about them.

Anyway... I think that's about it.

To remember what really matters

Today my father has had to make a tough decision about his job. It is a sad day. He has not been able to work due to his health. We have been praying for his healing, hoping for miracles and waiting on the Lord. We know that the Lord is still in control and that He has a plan. Some days, we just wish we knew what it was. My mom has really been so strong throughout this entire process but I know that she is so tired and ready for relief.

Yesterday, a wonderful woman gave her testimony at church. She has had multiple sclerosis for fifteen years and has just been diagnosed with fibromyalgia. She can no longer walk. Her testimony was simple. The Lord chose this place for her so she has submitted to His plan and has chosen to praise him through the pain. I cried and went up to her and thanked her after service. I needed to hear that.

I guess I just need to remember that if the Lord does nothing else for me, what He did on the cross should be more than enough for me to live my life joyfully daily for Him.

Faith, Hope and Disappointment

Well I guess it's time to make an appointment with a fertility specialist. In about a month, Andy and I will FINALLY be covered with quality health insurance again. I wonder how long it takes to get in with a doctor just to get checked out and what insurance covers... I do not like doctors but am hoping for the best.

I spent the day working at a children's consignment sale, watching new moms and women with enormous pregnant bellies and wishing for my turn to finally be here. I would walk through fire to be a mom... I guess I pretty much already am.

One thing that I've been dealing with is the fact that so many of my friends that have not dealt with infertility or miscarriages truly do not understand the monthly pain of wishing for a child. Sometimes, there are moments that those I love hurt me with their misunderstanding of the grief and sometimes depression that miscarriage and infertility bring... but I have to remember that they just really have no clue what it's like. There is such a fine line between faith and hope and disappointment and discouragement. It is hard to know how to continue to have faith when each month your hopes are dashed.

I know that the Lord has used these past two years (this month makes an official two years since we started "trying" for a child) to make me more into the woman that He wants me to be. I know I still have some rough edges that He needs to work out... but I am tired and while I am still carrying on, I am longing for this trial to end.

Lord, help me to be strong and do what is right as I continue to wait on You.

Have I found my calling?

So I have been praying (off and on for a few years actually) for God to reveal my calling. I know that I am called to be Andy's wife. I know that I am called to be a mother. But beyond that, I have not known what God's path is for me.
I know I love to sing. I know I love children. I know I love my family and my pugs.
But in the past two years, through all the pain and suffering of infertility and miscarriages, I have realized something... I love children and pregnant women. Even though it hurts, I love to be around pregnant girls. I love to take care of them and help them prepare for their babies. I love to share the knowledge obtained through years of research I have done as I've waited for my turn...
So I've just taken a big step. I just registered for a birth doula class. In case you don't know, a doula is basically a birth coach... someone who helps you prepare for birth, supports you through birth and the first few hours with your newborn (assisting with breastfeeding). My classes are in July. Then I will offer free doula services until I get my certification (then I can charge $$).
I am SO excited! I feel like I just changed my life.
Andy has been SO supportive. I am so glad to be his wife.

Back to square one

Well, my mom's blood tests came back clear. Which means that there is nothing in her blood that would be hereditary that might cause miscarriages.
So I guess we are back to square one. I am hopeful, though. Maybe that means that our infertility problems were just another step in God's plan for our lives and that our miracle is just around the corner.
If the Lord does not bless us within the next few months, Andy and I will probably go in for some testing. Maybe the Lord will work through a doctor. I don't know. I know that God is able to do all things and that He can do miracles, but I also know that God sometimes works His blessings through doctors. I know one such miracle... his name is Jude. And he is a precious little one that his mommy and daddy waited for over four years for... until they were led to a good doctor that was able to find a simple hormonal problem that could be fixed easily.
I will not give up hope.

I feel like Hannah...

Last night, one of my precious friends announced her pregnancy. She hugged me and said "I was so nervous and unsure as to how to tell you"... I just smiled and told her that I was so happy for her.

I feel like Hannah (see story 1 Samuel). When she was barren and heartbroken, longing for a child, she received a promise from the Lord (through the priest Eli) that her prayers would be answered. Then she went away and was happy, even though she did not know when her miracle would come to fruition. That's where I am today.

Recently, I was spending some special time in prayer and the Lord led me to Hannah's story, and then to Psalm 20 and then to Matthew 7:7... touching my heart and answering my prayers in such a quiet peaceful way. I feel spiritually pregnant. I am just waiting for God's timing.

I talked to my mom and she was sent for some special blood tests today. Her doctor asked her "you have three daughters, right?" and she said "yes"... he then asked "have any of your daughters had miscarriages?" Apparently, there is some factor that they are looking for in her blood that is hereditary that causes miscarriages. And if that is the problem, it's a simple fix. Maybe this is my answer.

My new passion

Sometimes I wonder why the Lord allows some of the struggles in my life. Why I have had to walk the difficult road of empty arms while my husband and I battle with infertility. But I have recently discovered something... and I may have my answer.

I LOVE babies.

Okay... that may not be an epiphany to most, but not only do I just love babies, I love pregnant women... I love hearing birth stories and am not offended or grossed out by any gory detail.

I have recently delved into the deep controversial world of homebirth and am facinated by it. I am enthralled with the beauty of the Lord's designs... the way he made women to give life to precious babies. The way he built us to carry and protect his new little creations for nine months and then gave us the ability to bring them into the world.

Granted, not all women are good candidates for homebirth. For example, any with high risk or complicated pregnancies... but those women are a minority. And most women nowadays would rather have the hospital experience and want to have easy access to pain medication. And there is nothing wrong with that.

But after the difficulties I have had just in the hopes to be able to get pregnant, I have become passionate about being able to experience pregnancy and birth naturally. I want to be able to control the birth experience of my children without medical intervention (unless it is an emergency situation...)

Yes, this is a contraversial issue and I am not one to push my ideals or crazy notions onto those I love... but there is so much factual information out there to prove that homebirth is as safe as and sometimes safer than hospital birth. And most of the "horror stories" of birth that I have heard usually revolve around hospital protocol and being pushed with interventions that were unnecessary and not wanted by the mom in labor. I think that American women have become so fearful of labor and birth that often they just go along with whatever they are told... in hopes of something that can make the pain go away.

But I guess I can't say much since I have not yet had a baby... but I intend of studying this further to be prepared for when my time comes.

Okay... I will get off my soapbox... for a moment. But if anyone is interested in figuring out why I am so consumed with this topic, go to http://www.thebusinessofbeingborn.com/. You will be amazed.

I wonder if I would be a good midwife.

2011... the year of expectation

So my sisters have LOVINGLY deemed 2010 "The Year of Suck". I think it fits. We had a rough year... to say the least.

And we are expecting 2011 to be filled with miracles. We have prayed for months and months for miracles. The time is now.

So far this year, we've already had one miracle... a new job for Andy! We are grateful.

My dad has really been struggling... especially since just before Thanksgiving. We need a miracle. A BIG miracle. Mom is just about worn out caring for him and he is not the man he used to be. We need our dad back. God has a big job for him and right now, he cannot even leave the house often. We need God's intervention FAST.

Andy and I have been praying for, hoping for and longing for a child. After two miscarriages, and almost two years of trying, it is so easy to be discouraged and upset. But I still have hope.

Other miracles we are praying for: financial security, dependable vehicles and a child-friendly home (studio loft is not baby friendly) for me and Andy; a job, husband and home for Sharee'; a new job for my brother-in-law Steve so he can stay home and not travel so much; and a safe pregnancy and delivery for my sister-in-law Melanie.

The Lord has protected my pugs from sickness, kept my family (besides Dad's struggles) healthy and although we've had tight finances, He has always provided enough. That is a miracle in itself.

God of the impossible

There's a song that's been in my heart this week. Written by Sarah Reeves (a signed artist that I've actually met and spent time hanging out with... she is precious.) Anyway... I've been dealing with some struggles this week... sadness and the like.
My Dad is not doing well at all. I told my mom today that I really miss "Dad"... He has not been himself for about a year now. It just makes me sad.
This was supposed to be my child's first Christmas. I'm still not pregnant. And I seem to be surrounded by children and babies. It's just difficult some days. The more I think about adoption right now, the more I feel more like Sarah in the Bible... trying to find my own way to God's promise. If the Lord leads us to adoption, I am totally and completely happy with that. But if I am trying to find a shortcut to the Lord's blessing, then I just need to stop and remind myself of who God really is.

So this song has been my encouragement this week.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RzFBJQjMnbU


God of the Impossible

My biggest storm, Your drop of rain
My raging fire, Your candle flame
My deepest ocean is like a puddle at Your feet

My darkest valley, my greatest mountain
They are Your prairie for You are constant
Your ways are higher than any other
So I will sing

God of the impossible
Maker of all miracles
I stand in awe of You
I'm so amazed by how You
Reach into my brokenness
Make me beautiful again
I believe Yes, I believe
Nothing is impossible with You

When I am weak You are my strength
And all Your power is made complete
You turn my failures to victories
Hallelujah, hallelujah

God of the impossible
Maker of all miracles
I stand in awe of You
I'm so amazed by how You
Reach into my brokenness
Make me beautiful again
I believe Yes, I believe
Nothing is impossible with You

Healer, Healer I'm restored by a healer
Provider, Provider I am filled by a provider
Deliverer, Deliverer I'm set free by a deliverer
Savior, my Savior I'm redeemed by a savior

God of the impossible
Maker of all miracles
I stand in awe of You
I'm so amazed by how you
Reach into my brokenness
Make me beautiful again
I believe Yes, I believe
Nothing is impossible with You

Yes... I'm still alive

Well, it's been over six months since my last blog. Yes, I'm still alive. I hope to blog a bit more in the future... when I think about it. *smile* My computer is slow as molasses... so it is hard to motivate myself to get online often.

So what have you all missed? (The 4 precious people that actually care enough to read this blog)... Let's see...

The pugs are fat and happy... some things never change. They are hoping for some of the chicken I am eating as I type this... and they will more than likely get some.

I still chase snot-nosed toddlers for a living. The Lord has blessed me at work and I know that He placed me where I am for a reason. I simply strive to honor Him in the little things...

The Lord blessed us GREATLY with helping us find a church home that we love.

Andy and I are still hoping and praying for the blessing of a child.

My father has struggled immensely with his health. We are praying for a miracle.

Christmas is coming quickly and I am so not ready yet.

My friend Kendalyn had her precious baby girl Jessarehla (Jessa) Michelle Koehler in July. My friend Tonya had her precious (and long awaited) baby boy Brady Clayton Bohannon in June. My friend Rachel Freeze had her precious baby girl Elizabeth (Eliza) Kelley Freeze in September. My brother-in-law Justin Burney came back from Iraq to be there for his daughter's birth this past week... Leah Blakely Burney. And my sister-in-law Melanie Burney Odom is expecting her precious little boy in May. (ALOT of babies... *smile*)

I learned how to make my own laundry detergent and have saved alot of money doing so. (I will have to blog concerning this... heehee.)

I LOVE Aldi stores... save so much money on groceries!

Okay... You're all caught up now. Be happy.

Dear Little Bean...

Dear Little Bean,

How much I miss you. I cherished the time I had you and thank God for what moments I did have with you, though they were cut short... before I ever got to see your sweet face. I think of you today, wondering if it would have been your birthday, considering that today is the day you would have been due to enter this world.
Mommy and Daddy miss you and love you very much. We know that you are well taken care of among angels, mommy's Mimi, and your two wonderful great-grandfathers.
We are hopeful that God will bless us again soon, not so that we forget you but to fill mommy's and daddy's empty arms.
We will see you one day, but until then, you are loved.

Love,
Mommy

Still waiting...

Dear God,

I do not understand. It has been over six months since we lost our precious little bean. We have officially been trying for a baby for a year now. Each month we pray for a child. Each month we hope for a baby. Each month we put our faith in you... and each month we are still waiting.

Now, I know that your timing is not ours. I know we do not see the entire picture. I know that you have a plan. But I just cannot see it.

I am exhausted. I am tired of waiting. Everywhere I turn, I hear friends say "it will happen" or "just be patient". And everywhere I turn, people are pregnant and expecting their miracles. It just hurts my heart.

I feel like I am close to a breakdown. With financial stresses, unfulfilled expectations, and not much to smile about right now, it is hard to trust. I just do not know how much more I can handle.

I can feel my faith being tested... I hope I pass the test, Lord, because right now, all I can see is disappointment and pain. Some days are better than others. I guess I am just in a dark moment.

Please help me God.

When will it be my turn?

When will it be my turn? I'm tired of finding out that everyone else is pregnant and I'm still waiting. *sigh*
Please, God... let it be my turn soon.

Blessings from above

There are times in life where I truly wonder if God hears my prayers. Valleys in my walk where all I can see is confusion and doubt.

Then there are days where He just shows up in ways unexpected. Proves that He hears and cares about our every need. It is days like this that I am amazed that I ever doubted Him.

Like yesterday... Andy and I have been struggling financially... well, for the past four years basically. But recently, our financial status has taken an even greater downfall. Barely able to make rent and bills, we were not able to go to the grocery store this week, last week or this coming week.

And then God shows His faithfulness.

I came home from work yesterday to find EIGHT brown paper bags FULL of groceries on my kitchen table. Chicken, milk, eggs, butter, cereal, sugar, potatoes, apples, bananas, juice, laundry detergent, toilet paper, paper towels, mac & cheese, bread, beef, frozen pizza, frozen veggies..... and the list goes on. Apparently, my mother-in-law decided to give us her "house warming" gift... groceries! And her timing could not be more perfect!

God is good.

2010

It has been a while since I last posted something. To say we've been busy is the understatement of the year.

Andy graduated from Tennessee Tech on December 19th (Praise God) with a degree in History. Then we had a lovely Christmas with family and friends. Then we moved... the day after Christmas (never move the day after Christmas...ugh) to White House, TN.

I was offered a job at a local daycare here in White House and Andy began to teach guitar lessons at a place not too far from here. We are still praying for a full time position for Andy... but the doors have not yet opened for that, meaning that money is still pretty tight.

I had a wonderful 27th birthday in January. Nana was in town and she made my birthday dinner. (Mom was still laid up from her surgery right after Christmas so we had dinner at her house so she could be there... and since we had just moved.) And then we met friends after dinner and I got to go shopping with the girls... very fun.

On February 3rd, it was five months since we lost our little bean. We really thought that we would be pregnant again by now. It truly has been harder than I expected. Nearly all of my closest friends are pregnant or have little ones or both. I hurt every time they have an ultrasound or any baby news. I have had to battle envy daily.

But each month I am still hopeful. When we do have a child, we know it will be a true gift from God. I just hope that I am obedient and a blessing while I wait.

http://http//www.youtube.com/watch?v=FWI-iZsIKIk

October so far... answered prayers

Well, my Quigley pug got sick. VERY sick. Did not eat or drink for over 24 hours (if anyone knows pugs, this is UNHEARD of in pug world). Lost 1 1/2 lbs in 48 hours. The vet was less than optimistic. The vet tech even less bright... talking about "discussing your options" with the vet. Nuhuh. I looked at her through tears and said "I've already lost a baby. I'm not losing my dog." They gave him a shot to keep him from vomiting anymore (guess it took a while to kick in since he puked again as soon as I got him into the car) and we just prayed that he would snap out of it. God hears prayers of despiration... and He knew I needed my Quigley. Within a few hours, he started to drink some water. The next morning, he was hungry again. We were so glad... I think I would have cooked him a feast if I could have.

So insurance companies are not my friend. Andy and I do not have pregnancy coverage in our health insurance. When we found out I was expecting, we applied for it. I ended up having to rush to the doctor due to the miscarriage the same day that I sent in my application (via internet... they should have those things immediately, right?)... Well, they approved us for insurance but they approved it on the day THEY received my application, not the day I applied... long story short, we ended up with $1135 that we owed. Sorry, but I do not think I have that much in my piggy bank. I prayed for God's favor, called the insurance company, and guess what?!?!? They retroacted my insurance to pay for that bill! YAY!

Andy and I have alot of changes coming up rather quickly in our life. Sometimes it is hard to trust God with the big things... and even with the little things. But I guess I just need to remind myself of all the blessings He has bestowed on us lately.

Just a dream...

I feel like the time I was pregnant was just a dream I had. Amazing how everything can change in 24 hours.

Still miss "Little Bean" but trying to move on.

God is still good. We still have peace.

Love my pugs.